First off I would like to send a shout out to all the Dobber-Maniacs out there who are still around and may remember my humble postings from the early days of DobberHockey.com.  It seems what was once just a dirty thought in Dobber’s mind has developed into something very successful, despite the fact that meatheads like me are involved.  When Dobber asked me to do a guest column, my first reaction was to blow your mind with some Jedi-like insight into the upcoming season, however after putting back eight or nine Bud Light Lime on my deck, I have decided to give you some old-school rumblings … Third Degree Burns style …. so here goes …

10 Reasons That Summer Sucks (For Fantasy Hockey Freaks)

10) Does anybody else walk by the magazine stand and catch a glimpse of a new Fantasy magazine … only to get that immediate sinking feeling when you realize that it says “NFL” and not “NHL” on the cover. This happens to me at least twice a week and it blows. Fantasy Football is for people who can’t take the rigors of an 82 game fantasy season.

9) Isn’t it fun to watch/listen to the Leafs fans blubber on about their free agent signings every year … listen up you silly suckers …  Colton Orr and Garnet Exelby are not the second coming of Christ, and no, you don’t have one of “the deepest and most talented group of blue-liners in the league”

8) We all have a couple guys who we think will explode in the upcoming season, and if you’re like me, you have been over bidding on these few guys for the last couple years. As you prepare your early draft rankings, you now find them popping into your mind again and begin to move them a little too far up your ranking sheet. They have let you down the last three years. They will again this year. Move on.

7) Blue Jays Baseball

6) From July 1st until mid September, those of us involved in Fantasy Hockey will lie awake at night wondering how the recent free agent signings will play out in terms of line combinations for the upcoming season. I personally know that if I don’t draft Martin Havlat, he will play with Koivu and Brunette on the top line. However, if I do draft him, he will miss 35 games and play with Boogaard and Clutterbuck.

5) The MLB injury report – these guys miss time for hangnails, blisters, bruises, colic … the bloody injury report sounds like that Pepto Bismal commercial … heartburn,  indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhoea. I can’t wait until October when I can hear Harry Neale say ” Phaneuf gets hit … his head has fallen off … but he is staying out for the penalty kill”

4) Having to decide which guys to hang on to in your keeper pool is one of the most stressful things in a Fantasy Hockey geek’s summer. Two years ago I kept Gaborik and let Patrick Sharp go free. Last year I kept Zherdev and let Jiri Hudler loose. I am very confident that I will crap the bed again this year with at least one of my decisions, and I still have three months until I find out how bad it is going to hurt.

3) Soccer … in any form … wears me out. Even when my two boys play (they are four and six) I get frustrated. My wife shows up to watch and I catch myself telling her “watch that little Timmy Johnson flop around out there… I bet his old man is a total pussy” Seriously … soccer brings out the absolute worst in me. C’mon snow

2) Saturday nights have no meaning. I long for temperature to dip down below freezing, to feel the nip of the wind-chill as I pull up to my local watering hole, to order my first of many wobbly pops and an order of nachos that could feed an army, and to settle into a booth, be taken care of by a cute waitress, and watch somebody pummel the Leafs at 6pm (MT) and then a fight-filled Oilers-Flames battle at 9. I just got chills.

1) It stays light out until 10pm, which means there are five more hours in which my wife can make me do crap around the house. There are mosquitoes. In my case there is the seasonal allergy thing. I hate being too hot and my truck has leather seats that burn my ass. My dogs shed all over the house and I even got a wood tick embedded into my back the other day. On the other hand, my kitchen window overlooks my neighbours’ back yard. He has a pool. He also has a twenty-year-old daughter and friends that look like the Pussycat Dolls. I guess summer isn’t that bad after all.

Enjoy your summer and be safe … if Dobber will have me back, I’ll be returning regularly with a column.

Burnsy out.