It Takes All Types To Make A Draft

Chris Burns



this guy


This week I’m taking an in-depth look at the common characters of a Fantasy Draft. I can pretty much promise that everyone who reads this will relate to the guys in this list, however I must point out that if there is guy in this list that you don’t recognize in your draft, than you are probably him. Also, I suggest you not drink hot coffee in your underwear while reading this, as it contains some of the funniest crap I have ever written. Enjoy.



THE “BEARER OF BAD NEWS” GUY – This guy is guaranteed to be present at each and every draft. He often lurks in the corner, similar to what fat girls do during the announcing of the Homecoming Queen at a high school dance. He waits patiently for a player with a training camp injury to be drafted and then bang … he strikes. This guy is a frustrating little prick, however he always seem to corn-hole himself and draft an injured player in the later rounds. Mass mocking and a shit-storm of insults usually ensue.


THE “DRINKS TOO MUCH” GUY – This guy is the life of the draft for the first 10 rounds, a blabbering idiot for the middle 10 rounds, and an incoherent mess for the last 10 rounds. Rarely does this guy finish higher than ninth in the standings. Often, you will hear this guy talking about how he can’t wait to get to the strippers after the draft. In some cases, this guy has been known to pass out between picks in the later rounds. It sucks when you get stuck sitting next to this guy. It sucks even more when you are this guy.


THE “TOTALLY F—–  UNPREPARED” GUY – This guy always has a lengthy list of piss poor reasons for not being prepared such as his wife giving birth, having to work 18 hour days, or having a parent in the hospital. This guy usually goes unnoticed for the first 15 rounds or so when the picking is easy, but he can single-handedly turn the draft into an 18 hour affair from that point on. This guy is also the most mocked by The Bearer Of Bad News Guy throughout the course of the evening. Experts also say that this guy usually has a very messy garage, an expired license plate sticker, a mismatched couch and loveseat, and is generally very unkempt.


THE “PRICK WHO SNAGS YOUR PICKS” GUY – This guy busts your balls each and every year by stealing your next pick right out from under your nose four or five times during the draft. If you are not careful, things can get pretty personal with this guy around the time he bones you out of a fourth consecutive pick. The problem with this guy is that you know exactly who this guy is going to be as soon as the draft order is set, and there is nothing you can do about it. On the other hand, the guy picking right behind you thinks you are this guy.


THE “OVERWEIGHT, GREASY FINGERED, CHEAT SHEET BORROWING” GUY – This guy is usually named Jimbo, Big Al, or Porky. His idea of a good draft is eating a bag of Doritos in the first round, an entire Kielbasa ring in Round 2, a Hero Sandwich in Round 3, and so on. The funny thing about this guy is that despite the fact he will spend $130 on snacks, he is always the guy with a 12-pack of no-name generic soda. This guy often arrives in a rusty mini-van or gets dropped off by his mom.